Ask Angel: Kind words from a stranger . . .

I just wanted to say that I believe you are a very strong woman and I respect you so much after reading your words and what you have gone through to be where you are today. I wish I had the inner strength that you possess. I would almost stop at nothing to take the steps that you have taken, but I'm a realist and know I could never pass as a woman so I am stuck in this manly form. Its quite depressing but I still wake up and live my daily life. I'm sure you get alot of e-mails on here so sorry for taking up your time. I was just really touched and wanted to tell you that you are an amazing person and woman. I wish you all the best, Brad

Dear Brad,

Thank you so much for writing and sharing your thoughts. I'm glad that you found inspiration through my words, and I find myself endeared by your situation. I am sure it's not easy being/living as you are, while knowing that you really should be a woman. There are alot of people in your shoes. You're not alone. I really don't have any advice to give you, and I don't expect that you were looking for any, but I truly hope that you find and maintain peace and happiness in whatever form you take on in this lifetime. I prayed for you just now, and believe that you will figure things out at the right time. Maybe you might look into seeing a gender therapist/counselor to get your thoughts in order. That would be a very good step to take, whether you ever decided to go through what I have or not. Remember, though it may seem long, life is very short and soon enough we'll be together with God in spirit.

xxoo-Angel

Angel's Strength

It's not easy to release someone from your life that you care for deeply. It takes strength to move forward and put the past behind you. Still sometimes letting go is the only way to true peace and happiness. The longer you hold onto someone who no longer serves a purpose in your life, the longer you keep out others whose purpose may just be unfolding.

I have had to set someone free recently, who has been in my life for a while now. He is someone I have come to care for a great deal over the past two years, but whose love comes with many conditions and whose heart is greatly conflicted. I was taken for granted and held at arms length. I ended up enduring alot of confusion and heartache, which was unfairly burdened upon me.

Still, through patience and sorrow, I have emerged much stronger than before. I had to take a deep look inside, and finally accept the fact that the situation between us, as it stands, is not serving a purpose in my life any longer. Unless he changes, and I know that change does not happen overnight, we don't stand a chance at sharing anything truely meaningful. So my current direction is to continue to release him from me, and open up my heart to new opportunities and individuals who will benefit my life and serve a positive purpose in it.

Through my patience I found wisdom. Through my sorrow I found joy. Through my strength I found myself.

xxoo-Angel

Angel's Sorrow

I took a gamble and I lost. I saw the best in a man and he let me down. Madonna sang about it herself in Live to Tell - "A man can tell a thousand lies / I've learned my lesson well." Now, so have I. Some things are just not meant to be. After all is said and done I don't regret anything though. Not the time I spent, the feelings I had, my patience, or the love I showed him. I just wish things had turned out differently. Whatever I mean to him, only he and God knows. It's not for my heart to ponder. Two years from the beginning, I guess this is where the story ends. Still I wish nothing but the best for him. I hope he finds a woman who makes him happy, someone he feels comfortable with, who he doesn't feel the need to keep at arms length or put up unscalable walls with, and who makes him want to be a better man. Unfortunately it seems that woman isn't me. God bless you my friend. If only . . .

xxoo - Angel (aka "Dear")

My Sisters and Me

Sometimes in life we are blessed with special friends ("sisters") who make our lives much richer, and much more enjoyable. I have been blessed doubly. Two of my best friends came into my life only two years ago. I met them both at the club Ziegfelds in Washington, D.C. Each of them are very dear to my heart. Let me introduce them to you.

I had been coming to the club for only a short while when I met Jeni (site designer for angelwayward.com). I had seen her there a few times previously, and each time I saw her she was with two other girls. Jeni was by far the prettiest. She always looked very well put together, and had a certain aloofness about her that I really admired and thought was totally cool. One night I was standing at the bar near her and had just seen a guy come into the club who I liked, but wanted to make jealous because he was being an ass at the time. I looked at Jeni as soon as he walked into view, and said something to the degree of "Kiss me. I want to make someone jealous." I'm sure she was surprised by my request, but she willingly submitted to a pucker from me. We think of it as our Madonna/Brittney Spears moment. We have been the greatest of friends ever since. By the way, my plan worked. You can check out her site www.jenibehrens.com or page at Myspace www.myspace.com/jeniweb

I met Eddie one night while I was partying it up at the club. As with Jeni, I had seen Eddie a couple times before, but had yet to say hello. Part of the reason was because I was extremely jealous of how gorgeous she was. For those who don't know "her", unlike Jeni and myself who are transsexual, Eddie is a gay male who just happens to like dressing very androgenously. On one particular night I decided to say hi. Apparently I was extremely charming about it too. I went up to her and said something to the extent of "You remind me of an anorexic Britney Spears." If I remember correctly she didn't love the comment at first, but warmed up when I explained to her how, in my mixed up way, I was saying that she was beautiful. From that moment we became "hookas" for life. You can check out her page at Myspace www.myspace.com/40798176

My sisters mean the world to me, and help keep me sane in a crazy world. I only hope that I am as good to them as they both are to me. I love you girls!!!

xxoo-Angel

Angel's Patience

On the rare occassion when I care deeply for someone, no matter how undeserving they may be, I give them my patience. This may not prove to be worthwhile in the end, still when someone is important to me that is what I do. I have been in a situation with someone for a couple of years now, which has tested my patience and taken it to its limits. It has been a long and winding road, with many potholes and detours, but I think we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Through it all, I have learned volumes about myself, about who I am and what I want out of a relationship. Still, I know that love is fleeting as the shooting star you wish upon whose light shines brilliant and then fades away in the blink of an eye. I guess I just believe in second chances. Whatever the outcome, I want the best for us both. I only hope my patience has not been in vain. Maybe. JustMaybe00.

xxoo-Angel

Ask Angel: To Operate or Not To Operate . . .

"Angel, you look so beautiful just the way you are. I know it's a very complex decision to go ahead with your operation, and I know that only you can make such an enormous decision, but is it still possible that you can postpone the operation and give it a little more thought? Best Wishes, Stephen"

Dear Stephen,

I appreciate your thoughts. I'm sure that you only want me to be certain and make the right decision. Still, I am decided about my operation. I want a vagina. I do not want a penis. Only guys that prefer "pre-op" transsexuals would benefit if I didn't have the surgery, and I don't want to be with any guy who is only attracted to me because I have a penis still. Having a vagina will enable me to have sex the way I've always wanted to have sex - as a woman. Yes, there is a chance that I may lose the ability to have an orgasm, but at the same time sex has never been a driving force in my life. For example: If I had to choose between being sexually orgasmic but remaining single for the rest of my life, or losing the ability to orgasm but having a soul-mate relationship for the rest of my life, I would choose the latter hands down. Of course, there is no guarantee that I will experience a soul-mate relationship, but I leave that to God.

xxoo-Angel

Alias is #1

I recently posted my newest finished song "Alias," inspired by my favorite show of the same name, on this website called Independent Artists Company. It is a forum for high quality indie music of all genres. I put up 3 of my songs in total about 3 weeks ago, and already "Alias" is #1 on the dance chart, with "Electric Blue" close behind at #7. Please use the following link to play my music from the site. Independent Artists Company.

Thank you for your love and support. I hope you enjoy listening to the songs as much as I enjoyed creating them.

xxoo-Angel